Modern Science (and the New York Times) Needs Your Help

We expect the front page of the New York Times to inform us of breaking news.  Obviously.  But today’s front page contains an article at which, I’m sorry, I just have to laugh.

“In Women’s Tears, a Chemical That Says, ‘Not Tonight, Dear'”

Even better, the description tag:  “Researchers studying the effects of women’s emotional crying found it to dampen arousal in men.”

Really?  You don’t say?  And all this time I’ve been sobbing into my cosmo at the local bar wondering why men aren’t flocking to my side to ask me for a roll in the hay.  Hmmm.  These researchers might just be on to something…

Clearly the scientific community needs some ideas for new research projects.  Here’s a few I’ve come up with to steer them in the right direction:

1.  The physical impact of shredding machines on standard white copy paper
2.  The eating preferences of the Bull Mastiff when given the choices of Purina or a raw t-bone steak
3.  The coloration impact on white clothing soaked in water with a new red t-shirt
4.  The growth probability of plants in pots with sufficient sunlight but without soil or water

Or how about this one?

5.  WHY ARE ALL THE BIRDS AND FISH DYING??

Oh yes.  I forgot.  BP dumped a crap-load (about 4.9 million barrels, or or almost 206 million gallons) of oil into the gulf and then followed that up with dumping nearly 2 million gallons of Corexit into the gulf – a chemical that, when coming into contact with warm water, turns into a gas that’s dispersed into the air.  Remind me again…where do birds spend most of their time?

Or maybe all the birds just flew into power lines, were hit with lightening, or were startled by fireworks – causing them to fly into houses and trees.  Sure.  Okay.  And the fish?  Well.  Sudden temperature changes, obviously.  Because this is the first recorded winter in history.  Right?

C’mon.  Where did investigative journalism go?  I mean, I’m happy to learn that my crying jags at the bar aren’t going to get me laid.  That’s good to know.  But aren’t there more pressing issues out there?

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